Important Staff Memo

To: all staff
From: T.R. Barney, CEO

Here at Thunder Lizard Incorporated we remain upbeat about the longterm economic outlook. Those freak electrical storms and solar flares can't go on for ever, and we're confident that the thick pall of smoke covering the Earth's surface will disperse by the middle of next quarter. Still, the slowdown has given us a perfect opportunity to take stock of our situation, and maybe make the changes needed to meet the growing challenge from the mammalian sector. Once the upswing kicks in, we'll have to work 24/7 on maintaining and devouring our customer base, so it is vital that we roll out our comprehensive restructuring programme AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. From next Monday, we will be instituting important changes in all of the following areas:

Outlook: We Tyrannosaurs are used to thinking of ourselves within certain parameters: strength, brutality, appetite. Maybe we should ask the question: is such a rigid paradigm helpful? Or does it actually limit our openness to change? Some other terms we could explore instead: exoticism, fragility, allure.

Stature: In order to survive a future downturn we need to become smaller and more flexible. How much smaller? Well, currently the average staff-member measures fifteen feet eight inches from tip to tail. If we can shave fifteen feet off that figure, then I think we're finally getting close to where we want to be.

Vulnerability: Armour plating. Who needs it? It's ugly, expensive and- frankly- passé. What I'm proposing is swapping our ironclad hides for state-of-the-art feather technology. Leave the hard shells to the throwbacks and the herbivores and come frolic in the future in your nets made out of air. Feathers may seem lightweight- even delicate- but at the slightest hint of danger they "ruffle", creating a forcefield that is, we believe, virtually impenetrable. Don't take our word for it. Try them and see!

Rapacity: I'm afraid a mouthful of razor-sharp fangs is another luxury we'll have to forgo in these troubled times. To promote the spirit of austerity, all staff will issued with what we are calling a Beak, which team members will use to provide a range of grooming and carrion disposal services to the strategically important large reptile market.

Dexterity: I'm sure you will be glad to hear that our freakishly undersized forearms will be scrapped immediately, as R&D begin work on updated arms more suited to the needs of the modern sauropod. Unfortunately, this will necessitate a brief transition period during which staff will be asked to work with no forearms at all. I want to assure you that this is a purely temporary measure, and that full mobility should be restored by the beginning of next quarter. In the meantime, you should have no difficulty using your Beaks to carry out the full range of workplace tasks- all the way from typing to piercing foil-topped beverages to tugging on office-supply elastic bands. Ongoing construction projects will remain unaffected, provided that they can be completed using a slightly more restricted range of materials, such as blades of grass, saliva and small twigs.

Transport: Here's the good news: to cut down on commuting and parking costs, all executives will be issued with wings. "So we'll be flying?" my assistants ask me. "Like pteranodons?" Exactly! I reply. Just like pteranodons! Only we'll be smaller, slower and ten times more appetising. Until further notice, staff are advised to stay well clear of all pteranodons.

One more detail: due to cost constraints, not all staff will be able to participate in the changeover. Unfortunately this means that all of us at senior management will have to wait a full six months before assuming avian form. Obviously, this is a huge personal disappointment, but it won't stop me from overseeing your transformation with interest- and with pride. When I think of arriving at the premises Monday morning, and seeing a thousand newly-fledged birds gathered in the lobby, "ruffling" their plumage, exposing their songsters' throats to me in a hymn of welcome and uplift, I feel so suddenly, ridiculously happy that my outmoded slashing-claws begin to tremble, and tears of joy run freely from my piercing, gimlet eyes.